Unarchiving: Amnesia & Innocence
"I get to have fun being self-conscious.
Play with it."
I go shirtless in public as often as possible. Naked privately mostly unless it’s cold. Even if it’s cold outside I will take off my shirt if I know I’m going to warm up or potentially sweat. Riding my bike somewhere is the perfect example or going on a jog. I gladly endure up to 10-minutes of cold discomfort because I know I’ll acclimate and heat up. It also makes me feel alive, tough and resilient. Sometimes I feel self-conscious to be shirtless. I notice often that I’m the only shirtless person I see as I ride my bike to where I need to go or as I walk my bike or just walk.
My self-conscious thoughts include:
Others will think I’m showing off or that I’m trying to prove to myself and the world something…that I’m hot, buff, beautiful, sexy, confident, etc.
Others, who I’m not immediately or easily sexually compatible with will look at me and objectify me. Maybe I don’t want their attention…someone because I find them opposite to attrative or because they’re of a different gender, and my deeper insecurities are triggered.
I’m not so beautiful with my body. Perhaps my posture, especially my hunched forward cervical spine and head. Mostly my belly which is not super thin or tight and often feels bloated and storing fat.
I might get looked at by other gays who are sizing me up in terms of sexual, etc ratings. Do they find me attractive? Are they judging me negatively? Are they comparing themselves to me or me to people who are hotter?
Perhaps I’m triggering other people’s insecurities. Maybe they don’t feel comfortable to show their bodies even if they do have a nice body. Maybe they don’t have a nice body and are ashamed. Maybe they’re activated sexually or energetically by my image and are not used to it and don’t know what to do. Maybe I am not fashionable and sloppy, and they think I’m bringing the property value down with my casual, sandal-wearing California look.
I Do remember that with Don Hanson in a Bhakti Chi zoom group that we worked on this self-consciousness. I felt super self-conscious and bad about myself after having gone to the birthday party of my friends friend. It was very gay, and I sensed so much disconnection in people. There seemed to be a lack of friendly-oxygen in the air, and people ultimately felt defensive and braced as opposed to loving and open and easeful. I felt inadequate and less social and less beautiful and less cool than when I arrived…where I felt all of those things towards myself and the others.
Don gave me this mantra which was to not fixate on the problems or the problem-solving. Instead, I could disconnect an energy I feel from a narrative I have or a way of dealing with it. Rather than this energy as a problem, I can see it first as an excess of energy building up that needs to be channeled and exercised in a new way. I can direct it positively as if it was a happy and risky and exhilarating thing I get to stream through me. It felt like flipping the switch. As I felt this self-consciousness and intensified the feelings as excitement, I felt almost a volcanic laser blast through me…an infinite and powerful beam of energy that feels like adrenaline. It felt larger than me like a waterfall, but something where I could harness this energy. It made me feel big and happy and capable to do anything without fear. Really capable of anything as if I was the King wearing his costume robe of mirrors and diamonds to dazzle and awe-inspire the masses around.
I wore shorter shorts than usual today. I would usually wear a longer shirt or tank top to pair nicely with the extra leg showing. Today I went skimpy. I went all skin. I felt too-much. Way too much. I had to keep staying connected to the switch board to make sure that the switch stayed flipped in positive direction. I felt like big dick energy. I didn’t do extra things while out in public except just be a guy who happens to only have sandals and short shorts on. I smiled exceptionally wide and recurringly. I felt like a new me…a successful me. A me who’s calm and easeful.
Funded by the Federal Government Commissioner for Culture and Media within the framework of the initiative NEUSTART KULTUR, aid programm DIS-TANZEN by the Dachverband Tanz Deutschland