Unarchiving: Amnesia & Innocence
The air feels sick with vomit, heaviness and effort. Yes, to not regurgitate the past in my body, or to purposely regurgitate the past in my body both felt heavy with effort. To do a not doing is to put oneself into an immediate contradiction, to live in a split. An energy is split and disconnection and so much effort is needed to multi-task keeping a collapsing or dissolving structure of intention together. An integrated focus disintegrates through constant lapses into maintenance and missteps.
In an interview I found online, Meg Stuart said that she prioritizes new forms always. As a collaborator with her over the years, I can attest to the beauty and high- resonance of this art and life directive. It keeps art and life arting and lifeing at the cutting edge. The energy is evolving naturally without being impeded by habits or heavy layers. The mind, body and soul need to stay sharp and ready for whatever life may put in its path or whatever mobius spiral it may lead. In another way though, I notice a regurgitation sometimes of hoarding patterns or FOMO (fear of missing out) or indecision. What about tradition? What about folk forms? About building language? Languages evolve, but they must honor old forms in order for it to exist in the first place and be used among many people to build culture and organize a civilization.
I know that this directive of not regurgitating the past can also be seen in a non-negating way, in a way where it does stop one thing but in order to give space for the emergence of other potential and possibilities.
My mother always tells me that I think too much. Perhaps she needs to stop regurgitating this if she really wants to help me on this perceived problem I have.
I notice another friend who always thinks negatively and draws himself and those around him into his drama. He regurgitates his past constantly… a past of not enough, of lacking love, of invisibility, of necessity, of shame and disconnection and trauma. He recreates it over and over.
Trying to regurgitate the past and then to purposely not regurgitate the past felt regurgitative for me like when I am overfed or full of something that actually needs to come out of my body so I don’t harbor toxicity and bloat and inflame. I didn’t try so hard today. I left the studio early actually.
Funded by the Federal Government Commissioner for Culture and Media within the framework of the initiative NEUSTART KULTUR, aid programm DIS-TANZEN by the Dachverband Tanz Deutschland